News: What happens next... March 08
With the newsroom wars more rife than ever we have come up with our own headlines for the month of March. Far more interesting than the real news and slightly funnier!
Olympic Shaky Start
The London Olympic Commission makes a record £100m insurance claim in the aftermath of the earthquake in an attempt to finance the soaring development costs of hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. Serious questions are asked as nothing has actually been built yet.
Rehabilitation Blunder In Winehouse Hold
Amy Winehouse packs in rehab again after discovering that the antidepressants she has been taking are no more effective than dummy pills. Amazing that these drugs don’t work! Has this just been a money making exercise for drug companies through clever PR and branding rather than effective medical care for those suffering with mental health issues?
Chug Chug, Chug Chug, Beep beep!
After Rail Track’s fine £14million for delayed engineering works Gordon Brown decides that the only solution is to nationalise the rail network and comes up with the ingenious name of British Rail. It is also leaked by a senior civil servant inside Number 10 that a bust of Stalin has been unveiled in the Prime Minister’s study.
Supermarket Sweeps Up
Portsmouth becomes the first ever town to be renamed after a supermarket after the Competition Commission failed to curb supermarket planning objectives. Police say the new Tesco Town will help local “bobbies on the beat” provide directions for the general public as the prolific number of Tesco stores provides useful landmarks and bearings.
Diana’s New Rock
The inquiry into the death of Diana has revealed that Dodi Fayed planned to buy the bank, Northern Rock, as an engagement present for the Princess.
Smoke Screen Uncovered
George Bush is pictured smoking Havanna Cigars in the Oval Office after trading embargos with Cuba are lifted following the resignation of Fidel Castro.