Fight or Flight
By Shamsi Eaveson
The best of us can find it hard to build open relationships, but when your background is a whirlwind of betrayal and making it on your own it’s not any easier. Shamsi Eaveson from Sheffield looks at how she chose to fight for a relationship that didn’t come naturally.
I am a Pakistani Muslim who grew up in Sheffield. My mother died when I was just nine years old. I had three sisters and I was the oldest. When my mum died, Dad didn't know how to cope and we all felt the effects of it. On top of life being hard at home, school became hard too and life in general became one long struggle. Though, we managed to survive. At the age of twenty two, my Dad told us he had arranged a holiday to visit my Mum's grave as we buried her in Pakistan. Whilst over there my Dad told us the real reason we were there. He had arranged for us to get married to men we didn't even know let alone love. In our eyes, there was only one option, to run away. The police in Pakistan were looking for us and it became so scary that we considered suicide - surely that would be better than marrying someone you don't love. Eventually by selling the Gold jewellery that adorned us and with a little help from the British Embassy and the Salvation Army, we managed to catch flights to England - our dual nationality came in handy. After such a horrible betrayal and feeling trapped, we thought we had found freedom.
Freedom - Or So I Thought!
I went to university were freedom was the name of the game. I tried drugs and sleeping around but found no real freedom or satisfaction despite having the independence I had craved. My life was just about me, about what I could get for myself. I looked after myself and thought twice about letting someone get too close to me. Years of not having a mother and being betrayed by my father had done their damage - I didn't want to be hurt again.
At university, I met a guy called John, we became friends but I found it hard as like turned to love and I started to realise I was falling for him. As with all the people who had come into my life, I tested John. I didn't want to be hurt and I had to make sure he wouldn't do that. I soon realised that I couldn't have it all worked out, if I wanted John to be a part of my life than I had to take a chance I couldn't possibly know everything that may or may not happen. I had to trust. Trusting others is hard, especially when someone has let you down before. People make mistakes, we're not perfect but it would be stupid to do life alone and miss out on great relationships. I can see know that people are the icing on the cake, it's our friends and family that make memories come alive and the future look so much brighter. We can't do life alone and do it well. So I had a choice, do I satisfy my insecurities and live a distant life from those around me? Or do I face up to my hurt and rejection and start to build meaningful relationships? I chose the latter, but it wasn't easy.
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I wanted the best start to mine and John's relationship -we had talked about marriage and I wanted it to work. I realised that I was bringing all the baggage from my past into my present relationships - and if I was going to have a chance with John I had to learn to let go. Letting go of the past can be hard, but you can't live in the fullness of the future unless you do so. I had to forgive my Dad for what he did to us, my bitterness only caused suspicion towards others close to me. Forgiveness can seem like a huge mountain too high to get over, but like I said - people make mistakes and my dad is only human. I needed to let go of the hurt and resentment if either one of us was to move on. John and I had a long engagement - I wanted to make sure I wasn't bringing my past into our relationship. What we have now is great. We have fun, we communicate openly, we have the same focus and direction and of course we have trust. Sure we're not perfect people but there are things we have both learnt that has kept our relationship strong throughout.
A big part in moving on from the past was my relationship with Jesus Christ. When I ran away from my Dad in Pakistan, the situation became so horrific I knew I needed help. I cried out to the unknown and had an amazing experience where God showed himself to me as my saviour and that He could give me the love I had been longing for. When I found no fulfilment in the world I turned to Him. He gave me strength and direction and without Him, I doubt that me and John would still be together or would have even got married in the first place.
Take A Deep Breath and Jump!
If you're going to have a relationship with someone there has to be an understanding that they will make mistakes and may even hurt you. But if you surround yourself with good people and don't let the situations around you affect the relationship then the problems that come up can be faced with openness and a common goal.
Now I'm happy - I've found my true freedom. My past is no longer an issue to what my future may hold and I can live in good relationship with those around me. Life is too short to live it alone - choose to fight for your relationships.