Parent Trap
By Siobhan Bullock
Having just given birth of a 6lbs 14oz beautiful little girl called Charlie-Grace, Siobhan Bullock reminises about her own broken childhood and how she wanted to give her new daughter the best start in life.
Here I am, just given birth to my first baby and there’s a million thoughts rushing through my head. Okay, forget the actual labour for now, I’d rather stay in denial about that! It will be easy and lovely and romantic, with my husband there holding my hand…. well that’s how I want to see it right now, don’t burst my bubble!
Other than that I wonder: what will my baby look like? Will we bond straight away? What about the fact that I don’t know anything about babies? And the killer question, will I be a good mum?
My parents separated when I was about 5 years old so I don’t have real memories of them together and growing up in a single parent family certainly had its challenges. It’s amazing how much influence you have on other people, especially your children. I often think about the kind of legacy I will leave for my child, will I as a mum pass on great things to my child?
I was handed poverty, broken relationships, physical and emotional abuse, lies, secrets, eating disorders, fear, negativity and confusion. Don’t get me wrong I was taught other stuff, like right and wrong, say no to strangers and don’t let any boys touch you. I had a Gran who was there for us regardless of the time of day or the current drama we were having. It’s funny though, you only really remember the bad stuff. I must admit having 4 small children under 6 years of age as a single mum must be a nightmare, but we didn’t choose it, we were just born.
I remember feeling frustrated that we didn’t have any money to buy things. Mum was on benefits and although she had various part-time jobs they were temporary and never lasted. I guess finding someone to look after your 4 kids isn’t the easiest thing in the world! I still remember it so clearly, I was about 8 years old and we were standing looking in a shop window. I asked her ‘Can I have that doll?’ ‘I don’t have the money’ she told me. ‘How humiliating and embarrassing can our lives be?’ I thought. I knew it was hateful but I resented being poor, I despised being looked down on for being a scruffy council kid, so with an air of arrogance I told her: ‘When I have kids, I’ll buy them whatever they want.’ I can still see the hurt look on her face, ‘That’s not fair, I don’t have the money.’
The whole time growing up I struggled to understand why I was so unhappy. At school I thought everyone must be getting beaten up at home. I thought that maybe everyone lived with the same lies and confusion that I did. Really I knew it wasn’t true. I knew other kids’ mums didn’t faint in public for no reason – I never knew it was due to anorexia, I’d never heard of it. No one else’s mum was as embarrassing as mine.
Then there I am at 16 asking myself the question, 'Is this my life?' It’s that stage of life where everyone is full of dreams about their future, everything’s a possibility. Me? I had no ambition, I just wanted to be happy. After struggling with depression through my teens I just couldn’t see a way out of the black hole my life had become. In my search for happiness I turned to God, desperately wanting all the bad stuff to go away, all the negative emotions, all the fear and hurt. God became my refuge, my safe place, the one person I could really trust. Over time I learnt to forgive my parents. I realised there are a lot of things I can’t choose in life, like my parents and the environment I grew up in. There is something I can choose though, the kind of life I want to live. I can decide what I will pass on to my children.
I read these words from the Bible:
‘See I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you…. now choose life, so that you and your children will live.’ (Deuteronomy 30:15-16,19)
Was I trapped by my parents, by their failings and all the things that didn’t go right for me growing up? My choice. Stay trapped or choose to live in the freedom that life with God has to offer. I chose life. To really live, not just exist or hope to survive the pain, but to really live. It was not an instant, overnight process but a journey of forgiveness and freedom.
As I embark on parenthood I’m not afraid. I’m excited at the possibility of what my family and my life will become. I know it won’t always be easy, everyone’s life has good days and bad days, but I choose life for me and my family.
Siobhan Bullock is the Assistant Director of Hope City Church and does all the stuff that nobody else wants to do! She's married to Steve and has a little girl called Charlie!