Sex In The City
By Andy & Karen Gorman
A lot of people think that becoming a Christian and getting married would be a recipe for the most boring sex life in the world! Pastor Andy Gorman with his wife Karen from Liverpool, believe the opposite. For them it just keeps getting better!! Read on...
Here's a question for you, "How can you have the most amazing sex with your husband or wife? One that is incredibly fulfilling and longlasting. Just about every one of us asks these questions at some point. Why? Because when it comes to sex, both pleasure and emotional fulfilment are deeply important to us.
Sex is often on our minds. I've heard it said that around 95% of people think about sex at least once each day. You might wonder, "Does that mean 5% of people don't?"
One way not to have a dynamic sex life is to concentrate solely on technique. Men and women are physiologically very different; in truth they are unique in every cell of their bodies. As such, male and female expressions of sexuality are also very different. Men are primarily excited by visual stimulation. They are turned on quickly by the sight of their partner's naked body or a glimpse of her mid-riff as she reaches up high for something! Women by contrast, are much less visually excited than men. Sure they love a 'hot bod' and firm 'pecs' but sexual excitement for them is not triggered by what they see; women are primarily aroused by the sense of touch. Thus we encounter a strain on our attempts for 'earth-moving' sex in the bedroom: he wants her to appear stripped naked and sprawled across the bed with all the lights on, and she wants him to simply caress her in the dark! So you see, there is certainly nothing wrong with learning sexual technique (especially the basics), but because of our vast differences in make-up, technique by itself is such a complex and frustrating road to go down… there has to be another answer - And there is!
Intimate and passionate sex is nurtured and grown out of a flourishing relationship. A good relationship is vitally important for good sex. Many ordinary people agree that great technique does not guarantee great sex. Many others emphasise that the qualities that contribute to a successful and dynamic sex life are the same ones that contribute to a successful interpersonal relationship. Qualities like love, commitment and communication.
Consider love...
As popular speaker and author Josh McDowell points out, those romantic words, "I love you," can be interpreted several different ways. One meaning is "I love you if…if you go out with me...if you are light hearted...if you stay committed to me...if you sleep with me." This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person does. Another meaning is "I love you because…because you are attractive...strong...intelligent." This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person is. Both types of love must be earned. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved for what you are, but problems can arise with having "if" or "because of" love as the basis of a relationship. Jealousy can set in when someone who is more attractive or more intelligent appears and the partner's attention shifts to the newcomer. People who know they are loved only for their strong points may be afraid to admit any weaknesses to their partners. This dishonesty can affect the relationship.
And the winner for 'Best Love' goes to…
The best kind of love is unconditional. This love says, "I love you…full stop. I love you even if someone better looking comes along, even with your faults and even if you change. I place your needs above my own." One young couple were engaged to be married. Their popularity, intelligence, good looks and athletic success made their future together seem bright. Then the young woman was in a skiing accident that left her paralyzed for life. Her fiancé deserted her. Relationships are certainly complex but was his love for her "love, full-stop"? Or was it love "if", or love "because of"? Unconditional love (or less-conditional, because none of us are perfect) is an essential building block for a lasting relationship. You can probably imagine how a love with less and less conditions might really help unlock a vibrant sexual relationship in a marriage.
Mutual commitment
Another quality necessary for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is commitment. If two people are completely committed to each other, their relationship is strengthened. Without mutual commitment, a person shouldn't kid themselves that their relationship has any real security. The fear may exist that, should they encounter a tough patch in life, the other may not be there for support. This can erode their bond. Life-long and re-enforced commitment is important in sex, too. It brings security to each partner. It frees them from feeling they have to strive to keep from losing the other and releases them to enjoy one another. It can be an important result of and expression of unconditional love. Honest commitment ultimately helps to increase satisfaction in the bedroom. Marriage was designed to be the doorway to an incredible adventure - heart, soul and body.
Communication
A third quality essential for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is communication. Even if partners have begun to express less-conditional love and more secure levels of commitment, they need to communicate this to each other by what they say and do. If a problem arises, they need to talk it out and forgive rather than give each other the silent treatment. As one sociology professor expressed it, "Sexual foreplay involves the 'round-the-clock relationship." Communication affects your whole life - your whole life affects your sex life. Couples need to communicate about their hopes, dreams, fears and hurts as well as the daily details of life in order for the relationship to flourish. Sex itself is an expression of communication. You can bet that if partners are harbouring resentment or not communicating appropriately, it shows in their sex life (or lack of it!). A substantial number of sexual problems could be resolved if people felt free to communicate with their sexual partners, about their sexual feelings.
So, can YOU have a dynamic sex life? Sure you can! By developing the same qualities that contribute to a strong relationship e.g., less-conditional love, life-long commitment and clear, meaningful communication, these qualities also lead to growing pleasure.
Andy & Karen Gorman – Pastors of Hope City Church, Liverpool, UK. Andy also runs a Graphic Design company and Karen is a teacher. They have two little girls, Amy and Eden.